The AdopTwins

“You had me feel the world
The breath you have created
Today more than usual
I want to be held in your arms
What is higher than anything above the ground
What is wider than anything beneath the sky
The only one, mother’s hand is medicine hand
You are forever my placebo”

-JHope

I was told that when I first came to America I cried out, “엄마” every night over and over again for a month. This place, this alien world 1000’s of miles from what I was used to — the way people looked, dressed, spoke, the way the food looked, smelled, tasted, the sounds on the television and in the stores. Where was I? And was it just another temporary home?

For all intents and purposes I presume I was with my birth Mother first the first year or so of my life. Then I was found at a market place and presumed to be about 11 months old. No name, no birth date, nothing was given to me. I was stripped of my identity. From there I was in one or two orphanages in Gwangju and then at least one in Seoul. I know I was adopted out of foster care so I had at least one of those as well. So that’s at least 4 homes in under the first 2 years (or so) of life.

My 5th (at least) home came almost 12 months after I was left at Gwangju Market. That’s a lot of moving around a shuffling for a small child who depends on their primary caregiver for everything. But that primary caregiver continues to be someone different. This final home though was the most shocking move. A flight from Seoul to Tokyo, then to Seattle, and finally to JFK to be placed in the arms of strangers who looked nothing like me and spoke in a language I couldn’t understand.

So I’m really not surprised that for the first month of my American Dream life I cried out for my 엄마. But my question is who was this 엄마 I was looking for? Was I still looking for my birth mom? With each new move did I expect to find reunion with her again? Was I looking for one of the people who worked at one of the orphanages? Maybe it was my foster mom who at the time I’ve learned was already in her 50’s. That’s something I’ll never know the answer to, it doesn’t keep me up at night. But my heart does break for that little baby girl.

On this day Dec 27, 2023 I’ve made the most progress in starting my birth family search. GOAL is a nonprofit that is run by adoptees to help other adoptees with birth searches and more. I finally decided to become a member last month before my journey home. I did as many of the steps as I could before I left for the trip. One of those steps consisted of reaching out to my adoption agency on the Korean side. (I had hit a brick wall a couple years ago with my American agency). They emailed me my records and it’s basically everything I already have. And so that was disheartening to hear while in Korea.

But luckily I was able to speak with someone at GOAL while at the Overseas Korean Agency’s event. I put a pause on things as I started getting back into the normalcy of being home. But the further out I get from being in Korea the more I miss it, the more I yearn for it, the more I feel a need to continue my journey there.

In 2025 all adoption records will be centralized by the Korean government. There are pros and cons to this. I worry about what information may get lost accidentally and deliberately. I think it is essential to get back to Korea in 2024 to do everything I can to try to find my birth family. I have to make the effort. I have to know I did everything in my power to find the truth. I’m starting to sound like Mulder (The truth is out there) but really, if I don’t I’ll just end up regretting it later in life. Hell I sort of regret that I’ve waited this long already. But I just wasn’t ready yet, not really.

So today I logged back into GOAL and decided to pick up where I left off. And where was it that I left off… oh right, setting up my active search consultation with GOAL. That will really begin to get the gears moving and I was scared. I’m still scared but sometimes you need to lean into the fear. Nothing changes if you allow fear to rule your decisions. I have an appointment set up for the end of January at 9pm local time for me. It’s going to be a long month waiting for this day to come but I’m sure it will end up being here before I know it.

I was asked earlier today by a fellow OKA participant what I hoped to find and how realistic it is with what I have as far as my records are concerned. I had answered ideally my family, my birth name, and birth date. I said realistically though there’s really not much of a chance.

As I thought about this throughout the day I came to a conclusion. I spoke a bit about it earlier but I think there will always be this wonder in me until I at least try. I may get no information but getting no information is different than not knowing. If that makes sense? Like just leaving it out there with a maybe there is a chance maybe there isn’t and getting a final absolute “no” are two very different ways to go through life. I think this will help resolve some of my feelings that I have on the whole thing. Because at that point when I’ve exhausted all possible options I will know I did everything I could to try to get the answers and they were unavailable. I think then I might be able to make some peace with the whole thing.

Going back to the jigsaw puzzle, from my previous post, it may not be the pieces I had wanted but it will be pieces, more than I have now, just different pieces than I longed for. I should know not to long for the ideal world because life has been a series of disappointments, missed chances, and lost opportunities. But looking back on it much of that was my own making do to self esteem (or lack there of), an inferiority complex, and a whole lot of fear. Did I have reasons to feel this way? Sure, but I should not have let them rule my decisions. So this time I am choosing action. This puzzle of mine, this puzzle of me, may not come together like a Rembrandt or a Da Vinci and the end result may end up looking more like a Picasso, maybe if I’m lucky perhaps a Monet. But at least it’ll be finished.

And really, what’s wrong with a Picasso anyway? They aren’t for everyone but that doesn’t take away the shine that they possess, the meaning for their existence, or the depth of feeling that they carry.